Getting Back to Morning Run, Breakfast, and Reconnecting to Self.

Let’s be honest, most of us are not morning person, at times we feel annoyed when someone is bragging about their 5am-7am morning routines. Why?! Because it feels like the hardest thing to do! 

Waking up before the set time of your alarm? Fight that gravitational pull every morning which feels like much stronger when you are in bed?! And another thing we all experienced while our eye lids are still half closed—pushing ourselves to that cold shower and our only resort is to shout and groan. We can't even remember when was the last time we had a great and well sleep.

What made it worst?—being in College! And we are all jealous to this one person from our class who always have real ‘good mornings’ and 'unstressed-face'-every-7AM-Monday-class-type. We all have bunch of stories of why college made us the Morning Zombies. By the way, I’m sharing this story to good folks who's in young adult like me and to let you know that things will not be easy, but never forget that we are still young to destroy ourselves.

When did I realize that things are getting worse? Here is the story:

3^rd year college days, I'm on my way home around 10PM, I was sitting in the passenger seat of a jeepney, thinking about tasks to add on my 20+ Need to Finish/Task Lists for that night as student, president of our deparment’s studentry council, officer of outside organizations, name it—

Yes, I am that guy who always think that I can do it, but I ain't handling everything well.....and in just sudden moment I'm looking to my own reflection on the side mirror of the jeepney, eye to eye, and silently I started examining my eyebags, uncomb hair, unshaved moustache and beard— like it was the perfect sad time of asking myself: “what have you become?”—all succumb to the thoughts that I can manage it all, that everything should be my responsibility, that saying ‘no’ is the last word I should pull out. I feel sad and pity seeing that version of myself tbh. Burnout, failing, tired, clusterfuck, and I hate to see myself again like that. Here's what I looked like during those nights.... 

So I start collecting myself, decided that I will only do half on what’s on the list of things to do that night—and ended up doing nothing because I fell asleep and didn’t regret it because I woke up 5 am in the morning. 

I want to be better again! Without hesitation, I wore those running shoes, grab a small piece of banana 15 minutes before the run, downloaded a 40 minute Long music for running: Aesop Rock - All Day Nike + Original Run, stretched my muscles in front of our gate, and started the jog—It felt good, and did it day after day, up to this moment.

The Learning process continuous! And you will learn to...

Photo source : pixabay.com/en/sunrise-running-runner-morning-1675375/

Defeat your own excuses and make belief reasons.

“I have no spare time”, “I will start it later”, “Exercising is not for me”, and it seems like there’s a long list of odds and reasons that we can write on a paper, collate it all, and now we have a book full of make belief reasons. I contributed on it too! Being a student with overload course units with grades on the verge of failing, active student leader and volunteer, doing sidelines (like half self-sustained) to support my extra school expenses and personal's too, and to the point of not forgetting that I have responsibility at home—as a son, sibling, brother. It’s not easy, it will not be easy. 

But if you can write a long list of “Why I can’t do it?”, then there’s also the opposite view to write a long list of “Why I can/should do it!”—You just have to look at it differently.

Being mindful about what CREATES you and what DESTROYS you.

Before, I am that guy who never says “No” when somebody asks a favor/give me tasks that requires so much effort and time. First few favors are good, some worked out great; next few more favors, some worked out okay and good; then everything suddenly pile up, I don’t know how to manage every single one of it—the thought of sleep became a thought of ‘I should finish these, I’ll just sleep along the ride going to school’. Yes, I created results, skills, networks, pleased people, but in exchange I am destroying my physical body and mental state.

The destroying process continuous on, I drink coffee and beers more often—and my acidity got worse and my intestine got an infection. I started smoking cigarettes, not because of peer pressure but because I thought it helps my mind to breath, and I thought it is my only way of stressing-out and taking a break—a pack for a day or two; It ain’t cool, it will not always be cool—consumer media is the only one that instilled to us that smoking is being cool. Taking a step on stopping these certain things you do to yourself is the cool one, because it challenges you to take a stand about making your self-state better. Another thing, are we the generation that uses “stress, depressed, pressured, and tired” more often than “healthy, happy, love, and family”?

And all it takes is YOU DECIDING TO CHANGE YOUR LIFESTYLE! You’ll understand it once you are in the process, I don’t want to spoil it. So maybe later, or tomorrow morning, start wearing that running shoes; a good long walk is a progress, a slow jog is still a progress, don’t pressure yourself to run fast and finish a mile in your first hit.

It sounds poetic, but there’s a certain emotional magic on seeing the Sun rises.

Who doesn’t love that Sunrise on a mountain summit? It feels like our own HOPE jars tucked on each and everyone’s belly are being poured with great vibes. It gives us a thought of starting something new; and it automatically sends us the question of “what will I do for the day?”—you are unsure of the specifics but say to yourself: “I’ll do better, and what’s great.”

We encounter the same feeling too when the Sunset is coming. The automaticity of the question: “What great and better have I done today?”—and for sure you should be equipped on answering that too, this one is yours. You can’t lie to yourself.

Reconnecting and talking to your mind and body.

Sometimes our body has its own way to say that it is tired, calling for a rest; and there will be times when your body doesn’t say anything or give signs to you not until the situation is now malignant. Don’t wait until it happens.

“…so that’s it?... That’s the only limit you’ve got?... You are not even the half of your goal yet!... Puro ka lang pala yabang e, ‘di mo pala kayang patunayan!...”—there are more words that I shout to myself—like self-talk, or maybe inner monologues—. Suddenly, the thoughts of regrets are syncing in, at the same time I can hear the sound of my heavy breathing and my vision is starting to dilate. During those moments you’ll have a thought of “I should give up…You will ask yourself what is the point of this?...You will decide to quit…”, but I assure you, it is more worth it to see yourself progress at something great and you know you’ll be proud of.

After the next few morning runs, the thought of the pain is not there anymore, you’ll start to set additional milestones, like expanding the distance, beating your previous time record, adding few burpees and push ups on your first stop, or anything you might think of to push your limits yourself, up to deciding to join a marathon. It doesn't end there, you will see yourself applying the same process on your other life tasks too like achieving your business and sales goals, breaking the barriers of your working habit, aiming for that promotion, and more.

During those points, you and your body are now being more open, honest, and protective to each other—aware of what is good, what will make you develop, and what are the 'not so good'.

Reward yourself with breakfast.

Who doesn’t love having a good fine breakfast?—and another thing is that you are the one who will cook it, another milestone! 

Enjoy doing good pan flips of your omelette or estrellado/sunny side up style, add small pinch of salt and pepper to it, then toasts some breads after it, add some sliced tomato and apple, it depends on you. Some chooses to add coffee or tea, but I’m good with hot chocolate.

Hope to see you around!

These are the only small things I've learned and want to share to you so far, because I can't say that I've achieved far-off goals at the moment—I am still learning, and I'll be happy to hear some words from you too.

So, if you ever think of starting running again, even if it is daytime or night time, don't forget the new cool practice to greet everyone who you passby to, either he/she is a runner, biker, or a simple person taking his/her mind out of stress. A simple nod would do, or that great smile! 

I hope to see you along this path, I promise to challenge myself more and you should too.
And let's remind each other: "Be better!"

On Finding Stories from Streets and Understanding Self.

Hold it [camera] well; always make sure that the strap is well place in your arm or neck; will this index finger get tired from clicking and pressing that shutter button?—I guess it will not.

From old 14-16 megapixel digicams, to Nokia C3’s film-ish cam, and at the moment a semi-pro Nikon D5200 and Nikon Coolpix Aw110, most of the good memories of the last 5 years were well captured and preserved; some of it was digitally saved and some are now on a good family album ready to be revisited again and again.

I just want to tell some small playrush of my mind recently as I was trying to look back on my old photo archives from 2013 and 2014. I asked myself, besides these huge archive, what I've learned from the past 5 years?........Here it is..

1. There’s a good magic about self-reflection and seeing the essentials even on the smallest things you are doing. The last 5 years were pretty long to see yourself grow, but stupidly fast that sometimes it feels like you can’t catch up on every single thing you need to do—to which then will fall on asking yourself of ‘when will I get a fine rest?’. That’s what I see on streets, things are fast, unpredictable, everyone is moving, you might not know what will happen next, so you keep yourself prepared, halfly pressed on that shutter button while your eye is roaming around and trying to check on interesting things and snippets of unscripted stories.

Those preparations will payoff, the results will be okay and good; but it will not end there because even the prepared ones can have bad results too. But remember, finding the beauty from those bad results can be another step on your growth and lessons learned. It's not a learning that comes from regrets, but the learning on seeing beyond—the uniqueness of flaws. Well, ugliness is an instilled belief crap after all.

2. When you appreciate it first and keep it personal—to yourself only, it makes you more special. Sitting on a brink category of ages where publicity, reliant on others’ appreciation before valuing self, and you-feel-pressured-to-let-others-know-what-you-are-eating, sometimes it’s hard to make things just on a personal/self level. I feel it too, because there are times that I am the one doing it. Maybe it’s a mix of revolutionary, tragedy, but has some beauty too.

Sometimes walking around the busy streets gives you this odd realization: that even though it is populated by human, everyone (or some) of them doesn’t really want you to know their stories. You are all passersby, going from point A to B, and knowing other passersby story/ies might not be your goal at the moment. But it doesn’t mean you can’t sit for a while, have a good pause on your life that seems like a rush, and observe everything, not searching for something; maybe have that thought of sonder—a realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own; populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries, and even craziness. Being drowned on those wonderings, on the unheard and untold stories, on the fictional thoughts you create because that might be the real story. Do it as if you are all invisible and they are still not minding that you are observing them or if you are existing; until you watch the subject or story fade.

In my case, it felt addictive. Just looking, observing, and not doing anything. Appreciating it, until I get satisfied. Why I feel special?—because I am the only one fascinated for seeing that unique stories in front of me. Bring out my camera, point it to the story without looking on the viewfinder, and capture the story. What gives it more value is when I look at it later that day, diving into it more, and keeping it as my personal collections. 

You know the feeling when someone said a secret to you, and added a complimentary threat, saying ‘you are the only one who knows it’, and all of a sudden you feel valuable; but in this situation I’m sharing a secret to myself, and I feel valuable because I have a lot of secrets—lot of drowned wonderings, captured stories that exists or maybe not.

3. You know you are inlove to it when you develop love and hate situations towards it but still you’ll not quit and give it up—this works for her too (lol, got none). Some find it through painting, some are on cooking, reading, some are listening/playing music, and more. All of us have it, we do it because it gives us certain feelings, it gives us a sense of understanding, and challenges us to be better.

I can't expand it better than quoting Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s Little Prince kind words:

“..It is very simple: it is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

I think painters, fotographers, film-makers, visual storytellers, or even just plain observers didn’t violate on keeping the stories secret to themselves—it's their choice. They just use their eyes as one of the mediums, but the heart and the mind still does the work—the continuous search for the essentials, the purpose, the reasons—and transferring it into their own way of art to let others know what the story is.

Ilang Pursyentong Paghahanap ng Hindi Alam.

May mga pagkakataong nakakaramdam rin ang pag-iisip ko ng sarili nitong pagtatakbo, tila ba isang batang hindi mapakali; masyadong napagbigyan ng biyaya ng asukal sa katawan, ilang pursyentong kakulitan, at malaking tagay ng hindi pagiging pirme sa iisang lugar.

Noong bata pa ako, tanda ko pa noong nakatira pa kami sa dati naming bahay, may mga panahong simula alas tres ng hapon ay nagpapaalam na ako sa magulang ko na lalabas ako para makipaglaro sa may kalye. Pero may mga hindi tayo mapipigilang pagbabago, nakaramdam rin ako ng pagtataka noong nakikita na namin kung paano paunti-unting nauubos ang mga sumasali sa pagpapatintero, luksong baka/tinik, at pagbebente uno namin tuwing gabi. Ang maaari lang naming dapat sisihin noon ay ang nagsisibukasan na mga kompyuteran na sa halagang bente pesos (20php) ay makakatitig ka na sa isang mala-telebisyong parisukat sa loob ng dalawang oras, at marami ka ng maaaring makita na bago sa iyong mundo. Siguro ayun ang pinagpalit nilang halaga sa walang kasiguraduhan nilang pagkapanalo o pagkatalo sa mga laro namin sa kalye.

"Ma, lalabas lang ako! nagyayaya maglaro sila Toto!" —sinigaw ko pa noon.
Habang paunti-unti na akong lumalabas sa gate namin kahit hindi pa napayag ang nanay ko. Pero nagsinungaling rin ako, para may dahilan lang ako para makalabas. Doon kasi ako natututo na maglakad ng malalayo, mga lakad na mabagal, titingin lang sa mga bahay na walang laman at may laman o kaya kita mo yung lungkot o saya sa nakatira, pagtingin sa pinagkaiba ng tindahang ito at tindahang iyon, anong plaka ng sasakyan ang makakabisado ko bago ang susunod na sasakyan, at titingnan ang mga nakakasalubong ko na tila ba kakausapin ko sila tatanunging: —“…uy, Ano kaya iniisip mo?”

Ngayon? —Iba na dahilan ko, o kaya minsan wala na, nagpapaalam na lang akong lalabas.

Saan pupunta? —Hindi ko alam, at wala akong sigurado. May dala at bitbit lang akong kamera, yung maliit para hindi halata at hindi rin takaw mata, isang bote ng tubig, pitakang singkwenta pesos (50php) lang ang laman, at librong walang takdang panahon kung kailan ko matatapos basahin.

Tunog ng kalsada’y maingay, harurot ng mga motorsiklong hingal para ihatid ang pasahero nilang uuwi na para sa imbitasyon ng kamang magpahinga, pati na rin ang mga jeepney na hindi padadaig sa mas malalaki pang sasakyan dahil si Manong Drayber ay bugnot na sa init ng maghapon n’yang pamamasada at ang makina niya ay sumisingaw na.

Tututukan ko muna, tititigan;

Hindi ko tatanungin ang mali sa aking kinukuhanan, kasi mayroon lang akong gustong makita.

Pipindutin ko ang kamera, at sisilipin muli ang nakuhanan;

Hindi ko alam kung ang nakuhanan ko ba ang sagot sa hindi ko tinatanong, kasi mayroon lang akong gustong makita.

Nakaka-trenta na ako ng pinipitikan ng litrato;

pero bakit parang may hindi ako pagkakuntento, lahat naman may istorya,

o para bang lagi akong may ilang pursyentong paghahanap na hindi pa alam, 

hindi ko pa alam kung ano.

Hindi ko siguro alam kung ano.

Ang Pagbaliktanaw sa naging Pakikipamuhay

Sa pangkaraniwang siklo ng umaga ko, nagsisimula ito sa mga tunog at kahol ng asong nag-aanyaya na dapat akong gumising, kasabay ang mga birada ng mga tambucho ng mga namamasadang motor sa kalsada na nag-uunahan sa kanilang mga buena-mano na mga pasahero. Isabay mo pa ang mga lagabag ng martilyo sa mga yero at bakal ng katabing bahay naming talyer na bubulabog sa umaga mong bugnot at may bakas pa ng puyat sa kinagabihang pagbababad sa pagbabasa, pag-aaral, o kung minsan’y paglilibang.

Alam ko naranasan nyo na rin na may napupuntahan kayong lugar na kahit unang beses pa lamang ay may pakiramdam na para niyo na itong tahanang kabisado, kahit ang talampakan niyo’y ligaw pero sa lupa ng lugar na ‘yun ay umugnay at yumakap.
Ayan ang naramdaman ko noong nakipamuhay kami sa –Brgy. Inayapan.

Pagkagising mo’y yayakapin ka ng hamog, papaalalahanan kang huminga ng malalim, ang pag-unat mo ay sasabayan ng mga orkestradong tunog ng mga huni ng ibon, tilaok ng manok, sa likod bahay 

Kamusta?

Malaking bilang rin mula sa mahabang araw, mapa buwan, at halos magtataon na ng nawalan ako ng access sa account na ito dahil sa ilang pansariling kamalian at pagiging makalimutin.

Ito rin siguro ang naging dahilan ng pagbaba ng pakiramdam ko upang magsulat muli noon.

Ngunit natapos ring magbiro ang tadhana, tinulungan rin ako nitong makatanda upang muling mabuksan ang proyekto kong ito. Maaaring hinayaan muna ako ng tadhana na titigan at pagtuunan ng pokus ang mga kailangan at responsibilidad ko bago naman ito.

Subukan ko munang magbaliktanaw sa mga araw, buwan, at taong lumipas; susubukan ko ring kahunin ang mga naging pangyayari ngunit hindi ko kakayaning madetalye ang bawat karanasan:

Una, naging magaspang...

May mga proseso tayo sa ating buhay na hindi kasing kinis ng mga batong ikinayod ng alon ng mahinahon, dahil may mga pagkakataong dumadaan rin tayo sa mga karanasan kung saan nakikita natin ang mga kaiklian ng buhay, at kailangan natin itong ramdamin at sulitin. 

Sa loob lamang ng iisang taon ay magkasunod kong tinunghayan ang huling araw ng paghahatid namin sa aming mahal na Lola Marta at Lola Ofel; ang dalawa sa mahahalagang babae sa buhay ko ay nagpaalam na muna upang sila ay makapagpahinga na. 

Matagal rin silang napagod sa pagtaguyod ng kanilang mga pamilya, kung saan nanggaling ang aking mga magulang. Malaki ang mga natutunan ko sa kanila, ang hindi matapos-tapos na mga kwentong bukid, siyensya, mapa-musika, at mga karanasang mayayaman, nakakatawa, at 'di malilimutan. Sa paglisan nila, hindi kalungkutan ang kanilang ipinabaon ngunit mga masasayang ala-ala at buhay na dapat ipagdiwang. 

Sunod, naging mapaghamon...